Goodbye Dear
Souza,
It's been 3 days since you're gone now. I've been home most of the time, sitting in bed with my laptop, just like the moment I knew it happened. May be I'm frozen in time or may be it's just depression as my friend says “the bed here is warm and the pillow is wet”.
Shoe print
I miss you dear more than you can imagine. You didn't just shock me, you realized my worst nightmares: dying on the holy week and from a free fall! You know how I'm afraid of heights, I hike cautiously, I triple check where my foot is going, and it happened to you darling and I'm in complete shock!
The first thing that came to my mind was “why now?”. Your engagement was a few months away, you found love, work had taken a good turn. Why just when everything got into place, you know?
But I know you were done here, you did what you wanted, you found him, you played flute, you found peace, traveled to many places and you had tons of friends.
I used to get angry every time you said you could go anytime because you did all what you wanted, I used to give you suggestions of stuff to want to do, all very interesting to me but not that important to you. I'm sorry for all the years harassment with dreams suggestions.. I didn't tell you what's my latest project, I'm gonna be a rock star sweetie!
Of all the people I know, there's a bunch who takes my dreams and crazy ideas seriously. You were one of those. Even if you weren't convinced, you left me that freedom to be crazy and to fly away and you were always there to catch me after I fall and provide me with that shoulder to cry on.
I don't think anyone I know can take the “I'm bored, can you entertain me” phone call.. since you're the one friend talking for free and “men el alb!” or listening to an irrational fear and calming it down with a rational statement.
We could've met last friday and I was too lazy to get out of bed, I had all eternity you know, I wasn't planning to attend your funeral for the next 25 years and then I would say you were too young to die. I'm not scolding myself hard for it, it happens. I am assured we were OK and it's not seeing each other all the time that means we're good friends, there was love and it remains through time and distance, it's gonna be harder to keep now with the distance you traveled this time.
Each according to his beliefs is comforting himself.. those who say “she's with Christ now”, those who say you're in the purgatory and they are praying to get you to heaven, I personally think you're resting now and getting ready to be reborn and I wonder if we'll meet again physically!
Etnein lamoon w shagara
I will miss our Azhar park trips, our fast “sporty” walks there.. “we can't stop before 30 mins, the metabolism increases after 20 mins” then we get lemonade from trianon to go and go sit on the grass.. “etnein lamoon w shagara law sama7t” you used to say and I have the photos to prove it! The valentine photoshoot we did there, playing with geomags on the bench and finding the magnet that fell into the grass with another magnet, we ended up constructing DNA! The bride to whom I gave a zaghrouta.. You were never embarrassed from me (although I can be really embarrassing sometimes!) “ Elli ye3raf abouya yerou7 ye2olloh, 7ay2ollohom: Benti, magnouna w 3arefha” -the one who knows my father might go tell him, he'll say: my daughter, i know she's crazy-
The Mobinil Music Awards where you took me to the VIP lounge and all night I was talking about stealing one of those Ousso bigger than life size vector installations, you ended up taking my photo next to one of them and next to Tamer Hosny's car, after all, it could be the one hummer i see and it was fun how small I was next to it. And then me trying to take your photo next to “Vodafone Live Music” banners in SOS.. to “blackmail” you ya beta3et Mobinil and how good heartedly all kidding you even posed next to it. I just checked them out today when I was looking for photos for this post. I would use our famous hand photo though, I know you would never publish a photo of yourself everywhere like that.
SOS
There's a group on facebook now, two groups actually. People are adding photos and someone made a video on YouTube. I check the photos, your profile pictures and I smile, I took this one and that one.. when it came to posing, I was the “official photographer” and it is a great pleasure to see how beautiful you were in my photos, a real pleasure to see the pics as beautiful as you were.
I will always remember “el tofoula el sa3ida”, Harley Davidson beta3 el “Voovoo!”, why you thought I can never inhale the cigarettes' smoke on my chest!
I will remember all the small things you did spontaneously out of big love and that made a more spontaneous person myself. All the Sun and sunflower related things that you used to get to your shamoussa.
When the hassle is over, I will gather all the close friends. We will go to somewhere you like, have vin rosé and remember all our happy moments. You deserve a happy farewell, colorful and lovely. I know you would've dreaded what we did, people dressed in black and crying. I'm sorry I took part in something that sad, but I am so sad myself and I promise I'll make it up to you with a happy farewell.
So, may be in the next month, I'll have sushi for the both of us, the one we were planning for months, I'll get an omelette breakfast at Beanos for you, get some vin rosé and go to Azhar park. I will watch for other people's shadows in my photos, just like you told me. And every time I go to Alex, I'll have grilled calamari at Balba3's and I will buy the chocolate barquettes from Flukiger!
I have been trying to write this for 2 days now, I have been calling close friends and distant friends, people who knew you and others who met you once, I've been spreading it out. I need to document it, I need to document us. I can't let you go in silence, may be because I don't want to go in silence.
This has been to say goodbye and to tell everyone how good a person you are and to share our happy moments and in a way to urge everyone not to stay too long in bed on a Friday morning.
You stood by me all along and even in your death you made me realize so many things like, may be I shouldn't be that afraid from heights, may be I should be there more often and discovering how much I loved you, may be I'm not that heartless moody b**** I thought I was recently!
